Self Love Musts #1 : Set boundaries and Say NO more often
I am starting a series of Self Love Musts blog posts and it is essentially about incorporating ways to love yourself more in your life.
You are not for everyone and that is a-okay. Even some flowers are preferred and shunned by others so learn not to take it personally.
One of the sacred practice of loving yourself is to set your boundaries with people, thoughts and yourself. Boundaries is knowing and defining what is acceptable to you and what is not and when anyone oversteps the boundary, you let the person know.
For example is you won’t let anyone talk down to you and that is a boundary that you have set. If someone does put you down, whether intentionally or unintentionally, you voice it out. It is possible to do it in a firm, assertive but kind way. You can say “you may not realize you are doing it, but when you say X about me, I feel I am being attacked. Do put yourself in my shoes, how would it be for you if I am to say X to you”.
Sometimes people won’t get it or try to make you feel bad about setting boundaries and I call these types of people toxic because they are unwilling to take responsibility for themselves. It's time to send them off to see-you-never-land or see-you-lesser-land.
Remember, you have personal power, so use it!
That is the most important part about setting boundaries, giving power to yourself, make yourself in control of situations and get yourself out of less than ideal situations that you find yourself in.
Part of setting boundaries mean saying No more often. No is such a powerful word although yes have been given more spotlight.
Say no to invites that you could care less about. Say no to people that you don’t find spending time with a joy. Say no to someone who wants to borrow money knowing that they won’t ever pay you back. Practice saying no.
Saying no does not mean you are being rude, unkind, or unhelpful. Instead it is about knowing yourself and caring about your own needs before caring about others. I would offer the tip of saying no to people that often say yes. When you are someone that often says no more than yes, then you are not a people pleaser and you may need to consider being more generous with your yes.
It is about striking the right balance. When you find yourself exhausted after every yes, it's time to set boundaries and say no more often. People may find it even more admirable because you are not a pushover or a carpet to step on.
Tips on setting boundaries and saying no.
Don’t respond immediately if you don’t have to, take the time to mull over your decision and decide from a place of trust and experience
There is a big difference between being helpful and people pleasing. I used to think that being helpful means saying yes. But that’s not how it works. You can be helpful and still say no.
It takes practice. I still say yes when I mean no but I have a goal to do that lesser. It’s practicing my saying no muscles. Another option is to reply “let me think about this and come back to you”. Buy yourself more time so you can come from a place of truth.
Speak your truth because you have a space in this world. Tell yourself this everyday.
You can do it from a place of reasonability. Setting boundaries and saying no can be done well if you practice it often enough
Remember, people pleasing is being unkind to yourself and to others. Unkind to yourself because you put yourself last. Unkind to others because you are not being truthful to them.
And this applies to all types of relationships whether family, work and friends.
I am working on my people pleasing ways and those that have gone through an insecure childhood may be more prone to people please as adults, so we have to be extra vigilant on that.
Setting boundaries and saying no more often is a Self Love Musts! Let me know how it works for you in the comments below!